Foster Care Awareness Month

In honor of Foster Care Awareness month, here's what Foster Care looks like in our home:

I have to assume that everything I do is scrutinized. As examples:

• Can I send a pink spoon with his lunch on visitation days?  Will they think girly hand-me-downs mean I don't love him
• On visit days, I ensure Baby wears clothes from the family he visits so they know we appreciate what they're doing for him.  Then I worry they think we haven't bought him any of his own clothes and he is just rotating through the same 3 outfits on repeat

Having a child of another race is it's own eye-opening experience for me:                 

• Racism in the media / news / real-world is a lot more personal / visible / terrifying to me now
• I have friends who are my Hair / Skin care experts for Baby.  Their hair and skin looks like Baby's
• Baby doesn't look like us.  Some people try to figure out the connection.  Some people make awkward comments.  Many people stare
• I love to dress the boys alike.  But is this "too white" for Baby?

                  

Early on, someone told us that the hard part of foster care was not the babies, but the adults.  This is very true:             

• We go to court every few months.  We sit in a waiting room surrounded by a bunch of people we don’t know and pretend it's not all kinds of awkward.  The judge may ask us for an update but not always.  You can just guess how we feel when we're not asked.
• There are a regular stream of visitors to our house (the CASA, the social worker, the baby’s lawyer).  On those days, I have to plan simple meals that can be cleaned before anyone else shows up and I shoo as many of the other kids upstairs as possible.  In general, I'm a firm believer in "What you see is what you get" and I don't have people over that I feel compelled to clean for (I can't be bothered with that anymore).  But, if someone who has the power to decide Baby's future, is only going to see me for 1 hour a week, it needs to be one awesome hour.

Not being able to share Baby's cuteness and accomplishments on social media is a struggle for me.  I am proud of who he is and it feels fake to exclude him from my posts.

We have heard "I don't think I could do what you do.  I could never love a child and then give him back" hundreds of times.  Please don't say this to foster parents.  It feels like you are implying one or both of the following:
1. You'd love the child more than I do
2. I'll have no problems giving up a child I've been raising as my own

Our friends / community take care of us.  We get hand-me-downs for both boys and it's such a blessing.  People we don't know hear we're foster parents and show up with clothes and toys for our kids (all 4, not just Baby).  Friends and neighbors drive my girls to / from school, practice, and playdates.  

The older three kids are such troopers about foster care:

• Matthew is blissfully unaware that we're “just” fostering Baby.  Every day he says, "That's my Baby.  He's mine."  He often asks to snuggle him.  Last Sunday, he insisted on leaving his Sunday School class in order to go soothe Baby in the nursery when he was upset.  While eating lunch this weekend, Matthew said "That my [baby].  He my friend.  Him little."
• While the girls would like to adopt Baby, they understand that the intention of foster care is for Baby to return to his birth family and that it is not our decision to make.  Even if he lives somewhere else long term, the girls "just want to go to all of his birthday parties."   

THIS is always on my mind:

                   

I helped "my" Baby make a Mother's Day card for another woman yesterday.     
                    


Baby's not always easy.  He cries.  He tantrums.  He teethes.  He gets sick.

The system is hard.  And frustrating.  And, oh my heaven, is it slow.  We don't like it.

But we love him.