Today

Today was hard.  So freaking hard.  And unfortunately that's about all I can publicly share.

We were warned in training about the difficulties of the foster care process.  Anyone can predict the awkardness that might ensue from parenting someone else's child.  But nothing could prepare me for the look Baby gave me when I handed him over to a room full of unfamiliar people.  Nothing could prepare my ears for the way he cried.  And absolutely nothing can prepare my heart for when this transition lasts more than a few hours.

"What's he call you?"

I hate that I don't have a clear answer to that.

What do you have a baby call you who sleeps in your home and has stolen your heart?  When phrased this way, the answer seems so obvious.  But nothing is so simple in Foster Care.

In the beginning, we agreed on 'Mama Debbi' and 'Dada Matt'.  But that feels so odd and unnatural.  I don't want to treat Baby differently.  But there's a subtle reminder in attaching our names that I think I may need.  We are so in love and settled with our current reality, that I worry the kids may forget about the uncertainty of the future, as I know I have.

Last week, Charlotte told her teacher she had 3 siblings.  I quietly attached an extra sheet on her Getting to Know You form to explain our "situation."  I began to worry we hadn't done well enough describing foster care to our kids.  But then Matt overheard the girls talking: "Right now, we have 4 kids.  When Baby Boy goes to live with his family, we'll have 3 kids again.  He might stay with us for a long time.  Baby Girl is going to stay with her Foster Mom until it is safe for her to go back home..."  THEY GET IT.  They truly do.  And yet,

the unknown future doesn't keep my kids from fiercely loving this amazing little guy.

So where does that leave me?  I still don't know.  As with all hard parenting decisions, I'll probably make the kids decide.

Cailin's first week as a Lizard

Cailin has proudly boasted that she is going to PRESCHOOL! every time someone mentioned Charlotte starting kindergarten.  To no one's surprise, Cailin entered "the Lizard class" dry-eyed and ready.  Her teachers have already reported that she could teach the class.  On day 2, it was her turn to be the Leader of the Day.  She took on all the important roles like shaking the rain stick for clean up time, passing out supplies, and reporting the weather.  She is going 3 days a week and is so proud to eat lunch in the preschool cafeteria (just like big sister is doing over in kindergarten).  Things are different with Cailin as the oldest at home now, but she and Matthew are managing okay.

Checking in

Excited for pick-up

First day surprises

First day date

Cailin was so busy with her Leader of the Day
responsibilities, Matthew stood in for the picture

Matthew subs in for Charlotte

The Big K - C1

From Little Acorns Grow Mighty Oaks

While pregnant with Charlotte, a wise mama told me "The days may drag but the years will fly."  And this could not be truer.  Many days, I count the hours to rest time and then again to bedtime.  But somehow, I can't figure out how my first little baby is now at school for a full day 5 days a week.

She will do great, and I know this but that doesn't stop my heart from aching.  On the outside, Charlotte is a bright, confident, big kid.  But at home, especially at night, she is an anxious little babe who has nightmares about separation.  This summer, she has learned to ask for hugs when feeling insecure.  She is academically overprepared for kindergarten.  At some point, that stressed me out.  I'm now so relieved she doesn't actually have to learn phonics and addition, as I know her efforts will be spent navigating the new social - emotional climate.  

On a Getting to Know You form for her class, the teacher asked "How many siblings does your child have?"  I wasn't sure how to answer that, so I asked Charlotte.  Without hesitation, she said 3 (with a silent "Duh!" attached).  None of my children chose to be part of a big family, but I'm confident none of them would choose otherwise.  That said, I will pick her up solo this afternoon for a special mommy-big girl date.  Until then, I'll be counting the minutes until 3:06.  

Cailin Hope @ 3.5

On May 14, 2015 Cailin Hope turned three and a half.  Since then, she announced this to just about everyone she has seen.  Let us take this opportunity to reflect on who she is.

Cailin may be the most flexible person I have ever met.  She rolls with life's ups and downs in a way that is truly admirable.  Some examples:

1. Matt and Matthew broke a glass on the front porch.  Cailin ran over and said "Don't worry daddy, we have more in the house."
2. Cailin repeatedly soaked the floor while filling up water cups to paint.  Matt asked her to be more careful going forward.  Cailin replied, "How about we just cover the floor with towels?"
3. As the end of school approached, Charlotte had a few activities centered around her and her classmates (end of the year party, rising kindergartner play date, etc.).  Debbi and Matt thought it would be good to give Cailin some quality time with one parent.  Cailin chose to get Slurpees at 7/11... and invited Matthew along to join for her special time.

There are two important corollaries to the point above:

• Cailin is very difficult to discipline.  What can you do to punish a person who immediately adapts to her circumstances?  As one of myriad examples, Cailin was banned from consuming cake at a birthday party.  Her response, "That's OK, I'll just eat some raisins."
• Cailin is going to be an awesome adult.  Grown-ups have a tendency to get flustered by the vicissitudes of life.  Cailin has lessons for us all.

Potentially related to the point above, Cailin is on our family's "brave team."  She paves the way and/or bolsters our courage to try something new.  Cailin was the first kid in our family to ride a roller coaster (last year, when she was 2).  This year she was the first kid to ride the Seven Dwarfs Mine Train at Disney World.  Cailin rode a pony at the community fair, and had such a good time that Charlotte got in line as well.  Charlotte often asks Cailin to go with her when doing something new (e.g., going to class at the nature center, meeting a neighbor's pet).  These two embolden each other, and I worry about them being separated when Charlotte goes to Kindergarten.

Cailin is also very passionate.  This may seem contradictory to the points above, but there is an important nuance at play here:  While Cailin doesn't care about life's events, she still has very strong feelings.  Her emotions are too big for her little body.  Cailin will spontaneously hug a parent, and say "I really love you."  A look in her eyes makes it clear that she has internalized what the word "love" means.  On the other hand, she can become disconsolate with limited provocation.  Cailin broke down in tears during a car trip because Charlotte (factually) referred to her as a "middle child."  Matt took the boys to Target one night, and Cailin started crying because she felt "left out."  These are very mature articulations of her feelings -- though the associated tantrums are not entirely mature.  As a more comical example, Cailin attacked the ivy on our front porch yelling "I like leaves on trees, NOT on walls!!"

The best outcome of Cailin's deep feeling is her recognition of the power of prayer.  She will ask us to pray for her when she feels out of sorts.  She suggests praying for others when they are in need.  One Saturday morning, Charlotte biked from Soccer class to Martial Arts class and then to brunch.  Upon arrival at the restaurant, Charlotte was exhausted and grumpy.  Cailin surveyed the situation and asked, "Mommy, can you pray for Charlotte?"

I'm excited to see what is in store for Cailin.  She consistently surprises us.  On Memorial Day weekend, Debbi declared, "Cailin is going to learn to write her name this summer!"  Cailin said, "I already know how to write my name" and sat down at the table to demonstrate.  She missed the diagonal on the N, but it will hardly take all Summer to work that out.

Keep being you Cailin Hope, the world needs more like you.

Cailin riding Seven Dwarfs Mine Train

Cailin riding Cupcake

Up a tree

Matthew looks up to his big sister 

Ice cream date with her bff

C-A-I-L-I-N

PS, Cailin is adorable

FIVE

For the last FIVE days, we've had FIVE children ages FIVE and under in our home.  It's been loud.  And hard.  And sweet.  And frustrating.  And snuggly.  And happy.  And sad.  And emotional.  And exhausting.  And loud.

We are so, so grateful to those of you bringing meals and groceries, donating strollers and supplies, picking up diapers and baby food (and trash bags and everything else Target sells) and offering encouraging words.  While most strangers have made snide comments, one gentlemen noticed our 2 double strollers Sunday and said "You have beautiful children" and kept on walking.  It has kept me going all week.  And I'm realizing it's only Tuesday, but well, you understand.

Out for a stroll after it rained all day long

Getting to church was a success.
Getting Charlotte to smile was not.

Charlotte Grace - the Big 5!

My big girl,

For years, we've talked about all the things you'll do when you turn 5 - the most exciting and most anticipated event was riding the school bus.  Unfortunately, we live 2 blocks from school, so you'll actually walk this fall but maybe there'll be field trips.  You also have said for years that you'd learn to ice skate when you turned 5.  You actually learned to do that just before your 5th birthday.  You said you'd learn to climb a tree.  And right you were.  You spend hours hanging from the tree in our back yard every day.  Your last goal is to get bunk beds.  We've got some time to work on that.

I found the 4-year-old year to be a little sassy for my liking.  I was surprised to see that 4 is the age where girls become inclusive (and therefore exclusive).  It's only been a few weeks, but so far, I am loving 5.

Pulling 3 siblings.  Uphill.

You have a loving heart.  You think of others and come up with ways to assist those in need.  You frequently bring toys up from rest time to say "I have another one similar to this, you can give this one to another kid."  For mothers' day, you told me "I was thinking I could get you a salad bar so then any time you want salad, we'd have it for you."  I have wished repeatedly since then, that we could actually purchase one for our home.  You are generous, especially with your brother.  You save him snacks and bring him toys and he loves you for this.  You and your sister are buddies.  You two are empowered by each other to do things you wouldn't do separately...like explore new places, speak to new friends or cover an entire bathroom in pink toothpaste.  You are adaptable and generous.  When discussing foster care and implementing it, you are creative and excited about helping other children.

Loving like Jesus using the first
 aid kit you put together in church

You have had a major gross motor growth spurt.  In the past couple of months, you've learned to cross the monkey bars, mastered new gymnastic skills, and can even ride a two-wheeler...fast.  I'm hoping this is the summer you learn to swim.

You have made many new friends in the neighborhood who will travel with you to kindergarten.  You have started to refer to your "best friend, Laurel" and my heart rejoices.  I have anxiously waited for you to have a best friend.  There's something extra sweet about that one special relationship.  I hope it continues for years and years.  And Laurel has a little sister Cailin's age and another one Matthew's age so this could become a whole family affair.

Another "big kid" milestone you've reached is reading.  You started last summer and can now spell most any word (phonetically) and can read a wide variety of books.  It's fabulous to watch you read to your brother and sister.  And it's just impressive to see you read independently.  It's slightly inconvenient when Daddy and I are trying to make plans without your input though.  One example: while at Disney World, we were discussing where to go next and Daddy said, "there's the C-O-A-S-T-E-R..." and you yelled "Roller Coaster!!  I want to go there!"


We spent your 5th birthday in the most magical place on earth: Walt Disney World!  What a perfect way to spend a birthday.  Characters and staff were constantly wishing you a Happy Birthday and Mickey Mouse even sent you balloons!  You'd even met Elsa and Anna before 9 AM.  We know how hard you work and how proud we should be.  It was wonderful for us to be able to celebrate you and give you a very special birthday adventure.

We love you big girl and you impress us regularly with your energy, your smarts, your skills and your heart.

Happy 5th birthday Charlotte Grace!

All the love,
Mama

Birthday girl

You don't usually admit it, but I think
Cailin may actually be your best friend

Helping find Daddy's size

5 year old appt

The way he looks at you <3

Oh the sass

All The Grace

Ok y'all.  After putting our kids to bed last night, we got a call.  We said we'd be willing to take in another little baby who has already been exposed to a very broken world.  Thankfully (for Baby) and Sadly (for me), another family was a better fit and Baby is now safely in their arms.  

Mother's day is in 2 days and I've spent the week daydreaming of flowers, pedicures, and pancakes in bed.  Then last night, I was hit hard.  A mama is now without her precious babies.  And not just the one we were told about last night but other moms as well.  I can hear the responses already of "But they messed up!" And yes, truthfully, these mamas may have made a mistake but that does not mean their hearts won't ache this weekend.  And these poor innocent children who are placed in homes with very loving (though completely foreign) strangers will be keenly aware that their birth mother is absent on Sunday.

While in a public bathroom this morning, Charlotte saw a pair of familiar purple toddler shoes.  She was so excited.  And a minute later, we were both a little disappointed that Baby Girl didn't come out of that stall.  My heart ached just a little more then.

I am working hard to end with some grand conclusion but am coming up short.

Count your blessings friends.  Hold your babies close.  And if you know a mama who needs a hand, offer it.  It could just as easily be you or me in need.

Thank God for Grace.  They say it's sufficient.

Just the 5 of us

The Big Girls help out (and Matt supervises)

And just like that, we're a family of 5 again.

It was a busy week.  I don't think I've ever been as tired as I was this past week.  But it was such a good, fulfilled type of exhaustion.  Today's Goodbyes were bittersweet.  Everyone says "I've thought about Fostering but I just couldn't give them back."  I read somewhere recently "Don't let the fear of getting hurt, keep you from helping a child who is already hurting." And this is our new mantra.

I have been continually impressed with my 2 "Big" Girls this week.  They were constantly looking for ways to take care of The Babies.  During meals, they'd each volunteer to feed a baby.  Each morning, they alternated picking out babies' clothes.  And when babies cried, they tried to soothe them.  When they were unsuccessful, they asked for help...
        C1 (completely normal tone): Mom, both babies are screaming [walks away]
        C2 (happily): It's Crying - Time!  Yay!
They have also done an incredible job making sense of a system and situations that are confusing even to many adults.  When my 5-year-old approached a friend on the playground and referred to Baby Girl's "birth mom," I was so proud.  It also made me giggle.  Cailin repeatedly used her high pitched motherese voice to say "It's ok Baby, your foster sister is here." It's important to me that our kids understand the roles and relationships.  The term "Real Mom" (as Charlotte had previously used) implies there's also a "Fake Mom."  Should we adopt in the future, I need her to recognize I am real.

Everyone was concerned with how Matthew adjusted to becoming a middle child.  He could not have cared less (#3rdchild).  He excitedly pointed and proclaimed "Baby!  Baby!" to our new addition and otherwise was just happy there was another snack cup filled with cheerios lying around.

I learned how amazingly supportive our neighborhood is.  One friend (with a newborn!) brought us dinner.  A few neighbors shared their babysitter which gave me time to go for a run (with *only* 2 babies in tow).  This also gave me time for one-on-one dates with the Big Girls - nothing says "I love you" like slurpees in the park.  And one neighbor even released the wild raccoon from my trash can while Matt and I safely held the babies back behind the fence.  Lastly, the extra hands people were constantly offering at playdates and the park made it not only easier, but just plain manageable some days.

We learned a lot from our first week in foster care.  Here are some notes to Future-Me for our future cases.
         We need another ergo and another high chair
         Do not plan to cook dinner the first night (or maybe even the first week)
         Book extra hours with the babysitter - any time of day is helpful
         Ensure Matt and Baby have one-on-one time from Day 1
         Go to Costco (instead of Trader Joes every other day)
         Save everyone's phone number in your phone - it's not cool to be caught off-guard by social workers and birth parents

And notes to friends and neighbors - we are so thankful for your support.  We cannot share details about Baby's past or future, but we appreciate all of your kindness in the present.
       

Saturday bottles, snuggles, and donuts

Everyone helps style Baby's hair

4 babies.  1 mama.  So outnumbered.

How I roll with 4 kids and a potty emergency

Charlotte will be competing for
World's Strongest Preschooler this spring