Our family has had discussions these past few days wondering at what age children really understand death. Is there really any age when death is fully understood?
We attended my father's wake last night. The funeral home looked like a small church. My nieces and nephews were running around while the adults sat chatting in the front pews. In a box, at the front of the room, was my dad, sleeping. He was clean shaven, well dressed, and seemed very peaceful. But he never woke up. The children made noise, yet he didn't wake up. People stood next to him, talking about him, yet he still wouldn't wake up.
When small children are learning about the world, they create mental files for new experiences. A room with balloons and a decorated cake is filed under "party". I don't have a "funeral" file. I don't have a "death" file. I especially don't have one of these for my dad. Where am I supposed to store this experience mentally? How do I make sense of it?
Again, my inclination is to just get through the funeral events and get out of town. While leaving Kentucky will make it easier not to think about it, it doesn't change the reality. There will still be sudden memories or unexplained emotional outbursts in the upcoming weeks and months which have to be dealt with. I'm not in denial. I don't wish for my dad to still be sick and hanging on. But I still don't understand.
If you understood death, Debbie, you could stand to make a fortune.
ReplyDeleteThere is a necessary shock in learning to define yourself without one of the people who was paramount in defining your life for so long. This is one of those times where it is so precious to have a faith background, even if it is not particularly strong, that you can cling to as a lifeline. I'm not sure it's any comfort, but I'll pray for you and for your family and I hope that you will find grace and peace as you deal with your loss over the coming months. In Judaism, you are considered to be in mourning for 12 months after the death of a parent- give yourself lots of time and lots of room to experience what you're going through.
I think that it's especially hard here in America because unlike the rest of the world, our family members typically die away from us, either because they live far away or because they are in a hospital or nursing home when it happens. I deal with death so much worse than Riley, because he went through taking care of my grandmother after her stroke for 2 years with me and was there when she died, and now when someone in our family dies, he, at 7, is the one who tells us all "it's okay, it's sad they're gone, but we believe we'll see them again in heaven." Way more perspective than I ever had regarding something that was so (is so) abstract to me.
I'll pray for you and your family. I'm so sorry for your loss. It will get better.
Having experienced the loss of very very close friends I consider family I can tell you that you never really say goodbye. They are never gone. Your dad will be with you forever, he is a part of who you are, he is a part of your memory, he is part of how and what you think, things will pop up all the time to remind you of him and you will get overwhelmed with emotions. You will still get to see him occasionally, but it will be when you dream.
ReplyDeleteI wish I could give you a hug.